Grief Writes

I cried tonight, for the first time in awhile. I miss my daddy. I miss him everyday, but tonight I feel particularly lonely and feel his absence as a great hole in my chest.

Dad,

 I am taking care of Scotty and Kayleigh. I am trying. I wish you were around to see them. They are doing so well.

Love,

Nik

I was thinking back today dad, back to when I was in elementary and middle school, back when it was just me and you. Conversations we’ve had, going to the grocery store, getting to go to Jackrabbit to hike and to swim. Feelings I had. Remembering watching certain tv shows right after school, and you watching right there next to me. I remember laying on the couch with the warm sun coming in the window, I remember the smell of our place, that scent that when you walk in your brain knows it’s home. I was remembering when I used to go to my room every night as soon as I got in, leaving you in the living room by yourself to watch tv, and I’m sorry. I would do anything to have that time back. I remember you making yeast bread by hand, the scent of the bread baking, the taste of the giant buttery rolls straight from the oven. 

Tomorrow is Father’s Day, my sister and I are going to Clingman’s Dome on the Great Smokey Mountain Parkway tomorrow. My dad and I used to go and see the observation tower then hike a little of the Appalachian Trail, between our birthdays, usually at the end of November. It was always cold, but I have vivid and sharp memories of it, and can think of no where else that I would like to spend this Father’s day. It is a place alive with the memory of my father, the person that this day will now be dedicated to, rather than spent with, for the rest of my life.

It’s Memorial Day, I know it was a long time ago that you served, but I am thinking of you today. I love you dad, I miss you.